Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
You Might Also Like
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳