Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

😐

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.