I ate everything, including the H.
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…