Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah