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You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

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@CrockettForReal

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

@BDGarp

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

@PaulyPeligroso

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

@CarolinaSong

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

@YimsterFife

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

@a_simpl_man

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

@thesupergrobi

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

@Nickadoo

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”