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Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

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@sixfootcandy

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

@perlhack

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

@fro_vo

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

@myonlymizztake

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

@rockymomax

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

@bornmiserable

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

@sensual_dad

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

@yoyoha

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

@squirrel74wkgn

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…