I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”