Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
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*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
CUTE CAT‼︎
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
incredible
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore