Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
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– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Oceanography is all about current events
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car