Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.