Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
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(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Husband of the year 😂
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?