[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
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Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield