Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

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The Chosen Phew

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops