Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.