Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
How software testing works
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.