Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
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Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?