Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
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My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.