Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
You Might Also Like
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
🤣🤣🤣
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition