Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

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My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…


Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*


Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.


The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.


I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.


(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.


According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame