Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO