Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
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I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
very niche meme I made
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
The struggle is real
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My birthstone is kidney
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.