FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
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my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there