Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
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If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.