FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
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I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Don’t make me out nice you.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”