Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
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If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad