Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
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Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!