Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
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Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.