Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
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I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
finally found a reasonable question
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.