Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
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The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
#growingpains
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.