Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
PLOT TWIST:
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!