Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
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At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Buying a well is money well spent.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Me sliding into hell like
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive