Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
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I unironically love this joke.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Breaking news:
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I have questions??
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny