Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
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Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.