FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
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When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.