Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
A ghost story
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only