Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
You Might Also Like
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher