facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

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Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.


“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”


~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand


BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great


Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.


Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?


spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability


They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor


Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*


Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?