Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
You Might Also Like
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
That’s what I call a flat tire
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Lmao 🤣
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.