@lcwojo

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

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@eirasmus

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

@pilau

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

@MelvinofYork

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

@Marlebean

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

@HansGrubertron

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

@smiles_and_nods

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

@KentWGraham

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

@smiles_and_nods

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

@StanHels1ng

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

@Michael1979

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*