Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
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If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
new year update: losing everything but weight
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.