Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
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Boom, boom, ching!
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
#StillHurts
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.