Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
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Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Me irl
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
is this meant to deter me
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me