Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.