FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.


Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.


Looks like ur Vine went viral.
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”


How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?


If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.


wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]


Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.


me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever


I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.


Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety