@KarenKilgariff

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

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@gerryhallcomedy

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

@l0ttiehall

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

@BlindChow

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

@texasstalkermom

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

@KentWGraham

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

@Briidashian

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

@Browtweaten

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

@KentWGraham

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

@GabbbarSingh

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety