FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
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I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”