Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey