“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Remember folks 😂
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.