[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
You Might Also Like
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I just stopped by to water my horse.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.