[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
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when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit