*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
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once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.