fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
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I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Science memes
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost