Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
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I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Smile they said.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
This fish is cracking me up
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense