[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
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If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Hey i am sexy to you now
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I’d … I’d rather not.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name