Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
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For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
a fate I wish upon no one
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.