Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
New Tinder profile.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
🛁
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?