falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
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the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
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