*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
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I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”