* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*